Am I in a high-conflict divorce?  

Finding Balance out of Chaos, Changing for the Children

Studies show that twenty five to thirty percent of divorces can be referred to as “High Conflict”. Out of this group, as many as seventy percent of those divorcing have either a substance abuse problem or a personality disorder, (Narcissistic, Anti-Social, or Borderline Personality Disorder, for example) or other psychiatric problems such as Bipolar Disorder.

Our experience has shown us that one of the parents in a High Conflict divorce frequently has no intention of attending a conflict diversion program even if ordered by the court, and that if they do attend class, will do little to integrate the concepts of the class. 

Our High Conflict Diversion Program requires that only one parent understand and implement the strategies we teach. Even with changes incorporated by one parent, the conflict can be stopped. It should be noted that when substance abuse, personality disorders or other issues of this nature (such as a spouse who can’t or won’t “disconnect”) are involved, special and more individualized strategies are required. These are all incorporated into the curriculum and a major focus of the High Conflict Diversion Program.

The goal of our High Conflict Diversion Program is to work with attorneys and counselors at the beginning of the divorce process (when possible), even prior to papers being filed, in order to identify the potential for High Conflict. Even if a parent (or parents) start the High Conflict Diversion Program after a High Conflict scenario has begun, strategies for resolution frequently succeed in shifting the dynamic away from conflict continuation.

1.    By starting early in the divorce process we can look out for potential “red flags” surrounding certain behaviors that will identify substance abuse issues, and other indicators that suggest that a High Conflict scenario may be present.

2.    By working with attorneys in the early stages of potentially High Conflict divorces, we will increase the probability of obtaining a settlement agreement before the proceedings collapse.

3.    We teach communication skills and help our students to identify and then responsibly avoid “triggers” that lead to conflict. These skills are not only helpful during the divorce and parenting, but are also highly useful in maintaining a better relationship with a new partner or spouse. These communication skills also help the attorney-client communication stay clear and on track.

4.    By helping students think “outside the box”, we help empower them to rely on their own inner resources, (as opposed to the court system), to remedy their situation.

5.    We help identify, both directly and indirectly, the belief patterns, triggers, coping mechanisms and survival strategies that prevent parents from accessing their capacity to disengage from a High Conflict divorce and move on with their lives.

6.    We teach centering and relaxation techniques to help students to calm down prior to, during, and after contact with a non-cooperative ex-spouse, depositions, meetings with attorneys, court appearances, and things of this nature.

20 Indicators of High Conflict Divorce 

Here is a list we developed showing the indicators that we feel constitute a high conflict divorce. 

Which of these indicators pertain to your case?  How many of them pertain to you personally?  

• One of the parents refuses to reach a child sharing agreement(s) within the Family Court Services (FCS) meeting time allotted; and the FCS counselor believes they will be unable to reach an agreement even with additional time with the FCS counselor. 
• One of the parents has filed for a restraining order alleging domestic violence, including stalking, harassment, threats and physical altercations.  
• One of the parents reacts at the FCS meeting by displaying emotions, such as being extremely frightened, angry, hysterical, or “showing” anxiety. Or one of the parents attacks the other with criticism.  One of the parents reacts like the other parent is victimizing them.  

• One of the parents seems to be deliberately provoking the other parent into reacting.  
• One of the parents complains that they feel threatened by the other parent.  
• Either parent alleges drugs, including prescription or street drugs, alcohol abuse, gambling, or pornography.  
• Either parent alleges criminal behavior or possesses a criminal record. 
• Either parent accuses the other parent of being unstable, crazy, erratic, irrationally, moody, emotionally disturbed or alleges such behavior as indicative of a personality problem or disorder.  
• One of the parents accuses the other parent of lying. 
• One of the parents accuses the other parent of being neglectful, damaging, absent, controlling, abusive, enmeshed or overly involved. 
• There has been involvement by Child Protective Services (CPS) with the parents (or any professional) who has been called upon to assist the family with issues related to the welfare and/or safety of the children.  
• Minor’s counsel has been assignedto the case (or is recommended) to provide the children a voice. 
• One or both parents argue that they have been the primary parent before the breakup or they insist they should be the primary parent now, refusing to agree to a parenting plan that incorporates both parents’ schedules providing for access to the children.  
• The parents argue over child sharing percentagesthat do not appear to be based upon valid concerns. One parent complains that the other parent has not been involved with the children until now, insists upon imbalanced amounts of time, or communicates to FCS that they would be happy to keep the children away from the other parent. 
• The parents’ stories about child sharing concerns or parenting concerns do not match up with the other parent’s concerns. It is a “he said/she said” argument, making it difficult to determine who is telling the truth. 
• One or both of the parents complains about the safety and well-being of the children while in the other parent’s care, whether the complaint is legitimate or not. 
• The case has earned a negative reputation with the courts because of continuous and/or frivolous litigation, as well as frequent changes in attorneys/pro per representation.  
• Excessive court filings, or the parents have attended several FCS appointments and continue to argue about basic child sharing issues or custody. 
• Refusal to follow the court orders.

The purpose of this program is to:
 

The course is held for two hours per session for 12 weeks.   This allows adequate time to practice and master the concepts and methods. Goals are set by each participant. Problems and successes are shared in a warm supportive environment. This course is recommended for adults.

Small Groups with Hands-on Learning! Workbook!

Course Content

Session 1: Understanding High Conflict

Session 2: Examining Beliefs

Session 3: Parallel Parenting verses Co-Parenting

Session 4: Contact Equals Conflict

Session 5: Mom’s House / Dad’s House

Session 6: Connecting with Your Children

Session 7: Transitions

Session 8: Traditions

Session 9: Self-Care

Session 10: Rediscovering Your Identify 

Cost: $35 per session.

Divorced couples may not attend together!

In a high conflict divorce the lives of the parents are spent in a state of high alert. If the parents focus can be diverted from the chaotic issues to the well-being of the children, the issues surrounding the conflict can start to settle.

This is a key tool for beginning a NEW parenting dynamic. It comes from the concept that two people can raise their children with different rules, and that the children will successfully adapt to differing parenting styles.